Why we never give in

Over the years, in many spaces, I've let controversial arguments run on between other parties without overtly conveying my passion for one side or another. And when I do decide to dispute something, it's typically the case that some people who know me to one extent or another, often not very well at all, take it upon themselves to judge my attitude. It's a pet peeve of mine: people changing the subject in an argument to be me, and how I'm purportedly rude, disingenuous, ignorant, disinterested, or just plain not taking things seriously. It's baffling. The idea that mere acquaintances or strangers would have better insight into my own attitude than I would is so absurd that, when I was younger, I just didn't even know how to deal with this kind of change of subject. Like a lot of  rhetorical tricks, it's surprisingly difficult to combat it in the heat of the moment when you first run into it, but trivially easy to defeat if you're keenly aware of what's going on.

I'm reminded of the first time I stopped just being annoyed with this crap, not knowing what to do, and started to punch back. It was as easy as calling it out. I believe it was this exchange, which I've found, still preserved online, in a discussion about gay marriage. This was way back in 2008. I'd gone back and forth with this guy and he'd made many spurious claims, which I always tried to address. And then he dropped this line...

 you obviously want to argue for the sake of argument - you aren't contributing to the discussion at all by disputing virtually everything typed here. People call me a devil's advocate, but I now know someone worse.

Probably the fact that it was an online, written discussion helped. When someone had pulled the "you're just a jerk" card before that, I don't remember doing a great job of countering it. But I'd grown wiser. So I called it out. Nothing grandiloquent or revolutionary. Just called it out. I responded...

This is a trap. You say that I "obviously" want to argue for the sake of argument. If I dispute this claim, I provide support because I'm arguing with you about me wanting to argue. If I don't dispute it, I leave it standing and it makes it look like something I can't refute.

And that was it. The discussion continued after that with other people, but there was a kind of tacit agreement (with just one person doing so vocally) with my callout. My assessment that "you obviously just want to argue for the sake of the argument" was a trap seemed sensible enough, and everyone involved accepted that and moved on. I don't want to speak harshly of my interlocutor in this case. It was a long time ago and, although I never met him IRL and haven't heard from him in a few years, I did respect him and we had much better discussions on other topics after that little standoff was a distant memory. But I do think that it helped me to grow, in a way.

So I was reminded of that, and it was important enough to jot down here on this blog thing. But it's not why I started this post. So, where was I? Let's see, I was on the topic of people changing the subject in an argument to be about my own attitude, instead of whatever the issue at hand had been before. Often, this happens when I quibble over definitions. Well, definitions are important. And people know they're important. But most people don't want to bother going to the trouble to defend their definitions. So I think that the reason people resort to the "you're just being an ass" line of argument is that it's an easy way out.

If your whole argument relies on the acceptance of your definition of some term like "nature" or "secular" or "racism" and I call your definition into question, it might seem like a lot more work to construct a robust case for why your definition is right than it would be to just sideline me. I'm a troublemaker. I quibble over definitions. If I can just be dealt with, then all that work can be passed over.

Of course, this is bigger than just me. Always has been. Another favored rhetorical technique, one that has blossomed to achieve seemingly unprecedented importance in this strange era of social media, is simple repetition. I am bombarded on YouTube and on Facebook, by content that is nothing more than repeated assertions of definitions of terms, meant to solidify those definitions. Repetition is the bluntest of instruments, but it can be very powerful. Never give in.

Here's why we never give in. One easy way to get on the fast-track to ruining your life is to give power over yourself to the figments of other people's imaginations. Don't do it. Your own internal demons are held in-check by the defenses you've built up throughout your life. You've acquired tolerance to that which haunts your imagination. Although it's a struggle, you can rein in those monsters. But you cannot take on the boogeymen of others. Fortunately, they can only destroy you if you let them. So don't do that. Never give in.